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American Idol Season 4 (2005)

 

May 24 - Last Two Standing

Gee, I wish we could have just skipped to this show oh, four weeks ago, when Constantine left and it was obvious who was going to be here.  But then we wouldn't have had all that nail-biting drama, would we?  Oh, wait...that wasn't drama.  That was a snore fest.  Except for my happy dance after Scott left, and Bo's magnificent performance last week.  I'm still quivering over that one.  Whew.

Tonight, we're in the Kodak Theater.  Ooooo.  Aaaaah. A nd one of these people (Bo) will be your next...American...Idol (Bo).  Who will it be? (Bo)  Uh...I don't have a favorite (Bo).  Really (Bo).

Okay, so each contestant sings two original songs (written by the record company that's going to release the winner's single), plus their favorite song from the season.  And we start off with:

Bo (sings "The Long, Long Road"): What the....???  This is what they wrote for him???  This overblown piece of pap???  (That's not what I wanted to call it, but I've made a conscious effort to be polite in these reviews.)  Good grief.  His vocals are drowned out by the orchestra and the choir, and it's so NOT his type of music that I want to throw things at the screen.  And this is just the first of the "original" songs.  Blech.  To add insult to injury, the judges criticize him for the song, when that wasn't even his choice.  Grrr.  I am not a happy camper right now.

Carrie (sings "Inside Your Heaven"): This is going to be the first single for whoever wins this thing, and all I can say is: I don't care who wins, I am not buying this tripe.  It's as bad as Bo's first piece.  Carrie is unusually pitchy, too, and I suspect that she's either having monitor problems or she's trying to shout her notes to make herself heard over the blasted (and blasting) orchestra.  There is no subtlety here.  None.  Ugh, ugh, and ugh.  Simon thinks she won this round, and I say it's a draw.  No one sounded good, and the songwriters should be taken out and shot right now.  Oh, my ears, my ears!

Bo (sings "Vehicle"): Okay, this is classic Bo, singing a song he did really well on earlier this season.  He works the audience, he prowls around the stage with the microphone stand...you all know the routine by now.  The problem for me is that, while this tune's more suited to him than the garbage they saddled him with earlier, he's lacking last week's liveliness.  It's like he's just walking through this song by comparison.  I tell myself that he's been sick lately, according to the message boards, so maybe that's the reason.  The judges love him on this, though - they look visibly relieved that he's allowed to be himself here.  I say, bring back the Badlands' song.  Surprise me.  Send some shivers down my spine again.  Please?  Oh, wait - he has to sing the new single as his last song.  Drat.

Carrie (sings "Independence Day"): Please don't dance, please don't dance, please don't - D'OH!  Vocally, she's fine, she could sing it in her sleep.  But I wish she wouldn't smile through a song about domestic abuse.  Do you even know what the song is about, honey?  Do you?  Oh, I suppose you don't, since you only sang one verse!  Jeesh.

Bo (sings "Inside Your Heaven"): Still a load of doo doo (there's a term I haven't used since I was five), but at least he injects a little more heart into it than Carrie does - which generally isn't too hard to do.  This is such a horrendous song, though. I want to run screaming from the living room.  Personally, I feel this is just about the worst performance I've heard from Bo (surpassed only by "Corner of the Sky" from Broadway week).  But the judges, incredibly, claim that his performance made them like that song.  Okay, fine.  I'm just glad that that bombastic assault on my senses is over with.

Carrie (sings "Angels Brought Me Here"): She's dressed like last year's Diana DeGarmo.  She's singing a song better suited to Diana DeGarmo.  The only "country" part of it is the occasional twang she gives to the notes.  She's flat all over the place, and she's shouting again.  She doesn't even have a real glory note to fall back on.  And for some bizarre reason the judges love her and Simon proclaims her the winner.  Thunk!  There I go bashing my head on the coffee table again.  Whatever, folks.  Just get me out of here.

I feel like I've just spent the past hour listening to fingernails screeching down a blackboard.  I want Bo to win this thing.  I hope that the fans remember last week's performances enough to vote for him despite tonight's show.  Frankly, Carrie's fans would do well to remember last week's performances, too, because Carrie was much better then as well.  Why the record company saddled these performers with songs that were so clearly outside of their genres is beyond me.  Haven't the judges been saying all season that they liked these two singers because they "knew who they were" and "knew exactly what their albums would be like"?  And now this.  Blech, yuck, ptooey.  With songs like that, it might be better if Bo came in second, so he has more freedom to pick the songs that work for him, a la Clay Aiken.  But if he has to release that single...well, let's just say, I'll wait for his first album.  I love ya, Bo, but momma wants to hear you rock.

And the winner is:  Check the next review.  As if you didn't know already.

Review 2005 by Patricia Lowhorn.  For comments, e-mail tricia@lowhorn.org.

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