May 24 Review | Season 4 Index | 2005 Concert Review
American Idol Season 4 (2005)
May 25 - The Finale
Last night, our two finalists, Constantine and Mikalah, gave the performance of their lives... What? It's Bo and Carrie? Oh. Okay. Sorry. With all the airtime the other two got, I was confused for a moment.
Well, now I know what America wants: an oblivious, blonde sweetheart with absolutely no skeletons in her closet, no sense of rhythm, and no idea how to connect with her music or her audience. Bless her little farm girl heart, Carrie doesn't even realize how lukewarm that applause was when she was announced the winner. Seriously, I have never seen an A.I. finale audience so subdued. I know I heard someone go "boo!" Class act that he is, Bo had to encourage the audience to keep clapping, and Ryan had to announce that Bo was the runner-up to get them to go wild.
Can someone tell me why we even bothered with this season? Carrie was crowned by week 2 of the final 12. She never even made it to the bottom three once. We could have saved a whole lot of time and emotional investment if the season had just ended then.
My consolation is this: Bo will never again have to sing that dreck that they forced on him Tuesday night. And he can now make an album that he wants. Nyah.
Other than the conclusion, the finale wasn't too bad. Highlights:
1) The parody of the Primetime Live exposť, this time focusing on Simon's "Bad Judgment," with Randy playing Corey Clark's role and Constantine as a Greek waiter who gives his trademark smoldering look to the camera. Bwah!! Of course, the punch line that Simon was in love with himself is something we all knew already, but that skit was a hoot.
2) The Idol finalists singing with their "idols." For the first time, every contestant was in his or her element, and every contestant sounded good. Here's an idea: For next year's final two show, have each contestant sing at least one song with his/her favorite band. If Bo had been able to sing "Sweet Home Alabama" with Lynrd Skynyrd on Tuesday and Carrie sung "God Bless the Broken Road" with Rascal Flatts, that show would have been a lot more entertaining. Heck, I might have even understood Carrie winning, because that was the best performance she gave of anything all season.
3) Vonzell was stunning - both physically and vocally - singing "With You I'm Born Again" with Billy Preston. I almost cried, it was that good. I love that girl.
4) Constantine, Nadia, and Jessica tore up the house singing Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" accompanied by Kenny Wayne Shepherd. That's the level of excitement I've missed for almost the entire season. Yes, Constantine was over the top. He's always over the top. But seeing him wail next to the guitarist, Jessica scream on her knees, and Nadia strut her stuff on stage, all at the same time? Priceless.
1) That horrible, horrible beach music medley they made the bottom ten finalists sing at the top of the show. At least they got that cheesefest out of the way at the beginning. When Constantine stuck out his tongue and then kissed the camera, I knew that millions of American women were either swooning or running to the kitchen to find something to disinfect their TV sets.
2) Seeing clips of that scary video from two seasons ago where Paula and Simon had a dream they were making out with each other. Eeuw. That was bad during Clay and Ruben's finale. It hasn't improved with age. Just retire it already.
3) Bo and Carrie singing "Up Where We Belong." Could two singers have any less chemistry on stage together? But I love seeing me some Bo in leather pants. Mmmm.
4) Seeing Courtney Love being interviewed on the red carpet by E! in the hour before the show. Ugh. She said the only reason she was there was because of Bo (in fact, every star that E! interviewed had Bo pegged to win this thing, but when all the judges picked Carrie, I knew who won). I'm thinking that when Carrie was announced the winner, Courtney probably trashed the Kodak Theater.
5) Hearing that horrendous coronation tune one more time. I have had the first two lines of the chorus going through my head all night: "I want to be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from." Oh, GADS!!!! This is going to be inflicted on you ALL SUMMER, America. And one day, it may even come back to haunt you as the theme music for a Caribbean resort ad (see Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This," a song that at least had lyrics that made some sense). I see it's time to invest in some serious earplugs. That was so bad, even Carrie couldn't finish it last night. Oh, wait, no - she was too emotional to finish. Nope, that can't be right, either...
6) Constantine, I love you, but get off the screen already.
In an alternate reality, Mike and I figure there's another show called American Idol Runners-Up. Carrie, as The Chosen One, is taken out of the show early so everyone else can compete. The final four consists of Bo, Vonzell, Nadia, and Constantine, because America is smart enough to vote each week for the most talented singers and/or performers. They're given songs that both challenge them and showcase their vocal abilities. 19 Entertainment has written coronation songs specifically for each contestant at the beginning of the season, so whoever wins won't have to sing worthless trash for his/her first single. Then the final four are eliminated in reverse order, leaving Bo the winner. And the American Idol Also-Ran Tour will be a rockin' showstopper.
Ahhh. We can dream, can't we?
Enjoy your next American Idol, folks. Me, I'm going to check on those earplugs.
Review © 2005 by Patricia Lowhorn. For comments, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
May 24 Review | Season 4 Index | 2005 Concert Review