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Rock Star: INXS

 

July 18-20: Don't you know what you're doing?

 

Monday: Okay, Mondays are kind of the useless episodes.  Do I really need to see Dave Navarro in a feather boa telling the contestants that he will now offer a clinic on developing one's personal style?  Do I need to hear a singer tell the world that he doesn't understand what "melodic" means?  Please.

 

On the other hand, I enjoyed watching some of the singers rehearse with the house band.  That's another thing you don't get to see to much of on A.I.  I don't like the fact that they only focus on a few contestants, though.  I realize that there are thirteen people left, and they can't all be featured in half an hour, but I think some people are being given an unfair advantage at this stage in the game.  Or an unfair disadvantage.  I'd really laugh if MiG crashed and burned on the lyrics to "Walk This Way."  Hee.

 

Tuesday: Dave Navarro is wearing a fur stole tonight.  Gag.

 

I've read elsewhere that INXS is hoping for a female winner to this competition to avoid the inevitable comparisons with Michael Hutchence.  This would explain why they're complimenting all these women who don't sound very good tonight.  Seriously, the only woman's performance I liked was Suzie's rendition of "Roxanne."  And did they get on her case for not changing, "I won't share you with another boy" to something more appropriate, the way they got on Tara's case for not changing the Eagles' lyrics last week?  No.  Hmm.

 

Daphna isn't raspy enough to be convincing on "I Hate Myself for Loving You."  Heather strips her voice on "It's Only Rock and Roll."  Tara can only make "Paranoid" interesting by showing her underwear to the audience and trying to bust out of her dress.  Deanna (who foolishly gave up "Paranoid" to give Tara a better chance this week) doesn't put much emotion into "The One I Love" at all.  Jordis is okay vocally on "The Reason," but her stage presence is kind of blah (unless you're INXS, and then she's ravishing).  And Jessica is still feeling herself up on "Purple Haze."  Argh!  When all is said and done, though, INXS reserves their criticism only for Deanna and Jessica.  All the other women are wonderful and sexy.  Um...do you guys want a lead singer, or are you just looking to get laid?

 

The men were marginally better.  Marty has become the new J.D. with his manic moves on "What I Like About You."  Ty puts in a great rendition of "Somebody Told Me" but is smacked down for being too much of a soloist and ignoring his backing band (and then half the other contestants proceed to act the SAME WAY, but get no criticism about it at all).  MiG's major accomplishment is remembering all the words to - or at least convincingly flubbing his way through - "Walk This Way."  Neal plays guitar on "Summer of '69" and loses all sense of pitch, never mind melody.  Brandon plays guitar on "Sweet Home Alabama" and makes me think that Bo Bice did this better on A.I..  The standout for us is J.D., who does an interesting arrangement of Alanis Morrisette's "Hand In My Pocket" and for once is intense without looking like he's going into a seizure.  Then he nearly ruins it by sucking up to INXS afterwards and basically saying that he's a bigger fan of theirs than all the other contestants combined.  Lose the attitude, man.  It's not attractive.  (But it is funny to see the other contestants throw daggers at him with their eyes.  Ouch!)

 

That said, J.D. is still my favorite performer this week, followed by Ty and Suzie.  My bottom three?  Um... Neal, Daphna, and Tara.  Brandon should probably be there, too.  It just doesn't work for me to have these guys simply bounce around in one place with their guitars.  They don't have the intensity to hold my attention unless they're running around on stage - and that's probably not a good thing.

 

Note to contestants: Find some other way to interact with the house band other than thrusting your chest and/or pelvis at the guitarist or the bassist.  That's such a clichéd rock pose.  Besides, I believe that there are three other musicians up there.  I'm sure they want what you've got, too.  Especially if the buttons finally pop off of Tara's dress, or Jessica's pants fall down.

 

Wednesday: Well, I was going to comment on this episode, but it came on at 9 instead of the 9:30 that my TV guide said, so we missed it except for the last few seconds.  My sources say that J.D. was verbally slapped by the other contestants for his idiotic remarks.  Serves him right.  The bottom three were Neal, Tara, and Jessica.  Neal committed suicide with "Suicide Blonde," which is no big surprise.  But it does make the remaining competition rather estrogen heavy.  I guess that's what INXS is looking for, though.  As one friend says, "Dogs."

 

Rant to CBS: Make up your mind what time you want these shows to start, dang it!

 

Review © 2005 by Patricia Lowhorn.  For comments, e-mail tricia@lowhorn.org.

 

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