July 31-August 3 Review | Rock Star Index | August 14-17 Review


Rock Star: INXS

August 7-10: It's all over now (for one, anyway)

Sunday: No one mentions or toasts Tara this week.  Gosh, that's cold.  Ty weeps about being the only black person on the show and how much pressure he feels representing his race, etc., etc.  Mike thinks that the man is not representing his race, his gender, or his chosen profession very well by blubbering like this.


Jordis gets a guitar-shaped cake and a conjugal visit from her boyfriend for her birthday.  The boyfriend looks almost as much like Satan as Dave Navarro.  Could we see boyfriend and Dave battle for Jordis's soul?  Because this segment is so zzzzzzzz.


For the clinic this week, the competitors are interviewed by reporters and are given absolutely no preparation beforehand.  Just like real life, except it's not, because I'm sure that prior to his/her first real press junket, the winner of this competition will receive a healthy dose of advice from our band, INXS, and their publicist.  Anyway, from what excerpts are shown, J.D. seems to do the best with this assignment.  Or he's at least the slickest.  MiG feels horrible that he mentioned to one reporter that J.D. is the person he has problems with at the mansion.  He spends the rest of the show feeling guilty about it, to the point of giving his first song choice (Seal's "Crazy") to J.D.  Later, when they're both blind stinkin' drunk, he holds J.D.'s hand and confesses his goof-up, and we find out that J.D. has "Human" and "Being" tattooed on either arm.  "Sometimes we are just being human," he explains, then switches arm positions to continue, "but we are always human beings."  Ugh.


Suzie takes J.D.'s advice on how to rearrange "Losing My Religion."  Normally, I'd say that this further proves she's an airhead, but I'm secretly hoping that she does well with the song because, so far, not one person that J.D. has attempted to screw over has landed in the bottom three.  (I realize he may not have been trying to mess with her on this, but considering his past behavior, I'm skeptical.)


Jessica wins points for not caving into J.D. when he whines about "needing" her song.  Then she loses all those points and then some by getting so drunk that she can't concentrate at rehearsal the next day.  Idiot.


Brandon needs to go home now.  I just can't see a caveman fronting INXS.  "Gosh, I have this bond with Australia.  I've been there once.  I like AC/DC."  Shut.  Up.

Tuesday: Good grief.  Can Brooke Burke's skirt get any shorter?  No, don't answer that.


This week, we see brief interviews with the contestants prior to each performance, proving that American Idol is not the only singing competition that can give you totally useless filler material.


Suzie (R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion"): I've always thought this song was extremely boring, but Suzie/J.D.'s arrangement really livens it up, and I'm impressed with Suzie's vocals.  She gets better all the time.  She even made Mike like a song he detests.  Hee.  Take that, J.D.  Now if we could just work on her clothes, because this is two weeks in a row she's looked like a frump.


MiG (Free's "All Right Now"): Eeeeeeee!!!  Hate the goofy outfit, but...that chest!!!!  [faints, misses most of the performance, recovers, is very grateful she recorded it because she can see it again...and again...and again...]  Um.  Yes.  Very good performance.  He rocks the place, as usual.  INXS wants him to push for his first choice next week and then tells him his first choice should be a ballad, because he's becoming too predictable.  A ballad and that gorgeous chest?  [faints again]


J.D. (Seal's "Crazy"): In his pre-performance interview, J.D. says that he wants to win this competition more than anyone else in the mansion.  Creep.  He sings this song with none of Seal's smooth delivery and plenty of manic hand motions, thus proving that he has no idea what this song is really about.  Plus he looks like he's scoping out the audience to see which person he's going to go serial killer on.  Dude, I already know you're crazy.  I'm tired of it.  Get off my screen.


Jessica (Nirvana's "Come As You Are"): Jessica thinks she's singing this song passionately.  I might give her the benefit of the doubt if I could understand the frickin' words.  All I hear is moaning.  I think she would have been better off giving this one to J.D., because this sucks big time.


Jordis (Eric Clapton's "Layla"): The untouchable Jordis finally stumbles.  She can't hit the notes she wants to hit, she nearly drops her microphone, and she bounces around smiling while singing a tune about a man who is tortured about not getting his friend's woman.  Good enough for A.I., maybe, but not good enough for Our Band.  She's still got a big fan base online, though, and she's better vocally than some of the others, so she's not going anywhere this week.


Brandon (The Rolling Stones' "It's All Over Now"): Brandon, Brandon, Brandon.  Now that Bo Bice has all but left Alabama, I'm sure there are a dozen small town clubs there that would be happy to have you perform for them.  But INXS lead singer?  I think not.  And what's truly sad is that you're so clueless, you'll probably be wondering why you hit the bottom three tomorrow night.  Bye bye.


Marty (The Killers' "Mr. Brightside"): My Marty love is growing every week.  Love this song, love Marty's acoustic version, even if he had a couple of pitch problems, a fake British accent, and a messed up verse.  Unlike some others I could mention (*cough* J.D. *cough*), it looked like he was thinking about the lyrics.  Plus the difference between his intensity and J.D.'s is that Marty doesn't look like he's about to kill anyone in a manic frenzy.  Thank you.


Deanna (The Doobie Brothers' "Long Train Runnin'"): This song is suited for her, and generally I like the vocals, but there are times when she reminds me (vocally) of Cher, which isn't good.  She tries dancing at one point, and I cringe.  I don't think she's connecting very well with the audience, either, despite what Dave says, so even though I wouldn't put her there, I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up in the bottom three.


Ty (Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry"): I hate reggae, but wow!  This was the most heartfelt - and best vocal - performance of the night. INXS gives him a standing ovation, and Dave correctly points out that this is the first time he felt that Ty was showing real passion and not just pretending to be passionate.  He is absolutely going to get the encore performance tomorrow night, as long as they weren't put off by his "I thank God for this opportunity" speech.  (Side note: Most of these contestants need to learn how to shut up.)


My rankings:


1. Ty - best vocals, best performance, best show of emotion, best everything
2. Marty - even screwing it up a little, you made me love this song even more
3. MiG - [faints again]
4. Suzie - she just keeps getting better
5. Deanna - like your voice, just tone down the delivery
6. Jordis - "Layla" is not a pop song, honey
7. J.D. - the only reason to keep him around is to make life interesting at the mansion
8. Brandon - I have never heard a Southern rock INXS song, and I hope I never do
9. Jessica - if this is her idea of passion, then I feel sorry for...okay, I'll be kind and not complete that statement.


Following Ty's performance, voting began.  In the last thirty seconds, they showed who was in the bottom three so far: Jessica, Brandon, and Deanna.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if INXS dropped both Jessica and Brandon tomorrow.  In fact, I would be relieved.  Please?


Oh, and the house band RAWKS.

Wednesday: Tonight we find out that at some point in the voting across the planet, Suzie, J.D., Deanna, Brandon, and Jessica all flirted with bottom three status.  After INXS praises Marty and Ty, and then gives Ty the encore of "No Woman No Cry" (yes!), we find out that, ultimately, the bottom three consists of Suzie, Brandon, and Jessica. Suzie??  Whatever.


Jessica sings "Disappear," and I wish she would, even though she's not too bad.  Brandon sings "Don't Lose Your Head" and loses the lyrics.  Suzie sings "Bitter Tears" and is terrific, so she stays.  Brandon is sent home because it's pretty dumb to forget INXS lyrics in front of INXS.  And then we're all treated to numerous shots of Suzie trying very hard not to cry.  Joy.


Join us again next week for another exciting dose of pseudo-drama.  Or not.


Review 2005 by Patricia Lowhorn.  For comments, e-mail tricia@lowhorn.org.


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