September 4-6 Review | Rock Star Index
Rock Star: Supernova
September 11-13: Supersnore, the Finale
Monday, September 11: At the mansion, everyone toasts Storm and reflects on what a Large heart she is. Get it? Ha ha ha. Magni decides to "have a moment with himself" at the piano. You would think that this would be interesting, but all it means is that he gets a pie in the face (from Dilana via Toby) for getting to sing with Supernova. Magni immediately sings, "This is what you'll get when you sing with us." Yep, it's official - singing with Supernova will get food thrown at you.
The next day, MiG from Season 1 shows up...
[pardon me while I squeal]
...to deliver [ding! Product placement!] Toby's Honda Element SC. MiG is a fellow Aussie, and Toby refers to him as "a funny little man with painted on jeans," which, yeah, about sums it up. Yummy. MiG later tells the rockers that just because you don't win doesn't mean you can't get a recording deal but it will be quite hard, as he's only now got his CD together, and it's [ding! Selflish promo spot!] coming out in January. Lukas tunes him out when he talks about not winning, because, unlike MiG, Lukas has no intention of being a third-place finisher who puts out a CD of orchestral cover songs.
The little rockers are very excited to see photos of themselves on the wall next to various memorabilia from the Supernova guys. These are from performances that the contestants have given on the show. Has no one taken photos of them performing before? As thrilled as everyone is at the way the pictures "captured our characters," I expect to hear someone say, "These photos were done by [ding! Product placement] So-and-So, Professional Photographer to the Stars," or something to that effect. Sheesh. Get over yourselves already.
This week, Supernova decides to be lazy and informs the final four that for their last performance show, they will sing their original songs again and then pick from any of the songs performed this season by anyone. You know, I could go my whole life without hearing about Lukas's problems with his mother, Dilana's super soul, Toby's drunken "oh ohs," or Magni's whatever-the-heck-he-sang again. But wait! There are four songs mixed in there that haven't been sung on the show! Oh, what will the rockers choose?
We are supposed to believe that, somehow, this is still a competition between Lukas and Dilana, so we get to see them stand off over Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" - which, taking off the "comfortably" part, is about how I feel after watching this supposed drama. Lukas backs off and decides to sing Coldplay's "Fix You." We later find out that the song reminds him of the difficult relationship he had with his father growing up that he hopes to "fix" one day. We don't know what exactly the problem was - maybe his Dad wasn't thrilled at his son's interest in makeup - but I now know far more about Lukas's parental woes than I really wanted to. Supernova is a self-proclaimed party band, and he wants to throw a cold beer on everyone. Fine.
After having won the right to sing "Comfortably Numb," Dilana decides to sing..."Roxanne." What the what? She's so proud of herself for being able to sing this song now - it's "gi-normous." Uh...what Gilby said about your imagination, dear. She does an interesting, atmospheric arrangement of it with the House Band, which I like but band leader Paul hates, and I'm thinking it's unlikely to win her any new fans or sway Supernova. She offers "Comfortably Numb" back to Lukas, but even though he earlier claimed that he loved that song and grew up with it, etc., etc., he'd rather sing about his dad, thanks.
Toby will be singing Radiohead's "Karma Police," while Magni will sing Deep Purple's "Hush" [as reported by those who attended the taping]. But we don't see them rehearse or get any feedback from the House Band, so obviously they aren't important.
Now we watch everyone pack their bags and reflect on their time on the show while Toby serenades them on guitar with what I guess is the Radiohead song (I didn't recognize it). Magni is ready to go home, Dilana starts crying because the boys are like the family she never had, Lukas and Toby just want to win the competition, and I want to gag. Then they all ride off in the sunset on their Gibsons.
During the closing credits, we see Dilana, Toby, and Magni frolicking in the pool at night, where Toby declares that he has just discovered that Dilana isn't a man. Everyone wants to know where Lukas is, and we cut to a shot of him fully clothed and passed out (probably drunk) on his bed. Doing! goes the banjo. Doing! goes my head.
Tuesday, September 12: Brooke, dear, when I told you to check with Heidi Klum at Project Runway for suitable maternity wear, I didn't mean use one of the Project Runway designers. That star on her dress looks like tin foil that had been glued in place. Did we have another "use recyclables to design an evening dress" challenge?
We're all one big, happy family here, so Dilana gets to pretend that she loves Ryan as she announces that he's the winner of the encore vote. Ryan, who spent the last two weeks dissing Supernova and all the remaining contestants to the press, now kisses up to everyone. He then proceeds to growl, shout, and squeal that he wants me to carefully take off my clothes in the back seat of my car. After telling everyone that he has a new album coming out [a live album that was recorded with the House Band after last week's elimination show, because Mark Burnett sees a cash cow], he is rewarded with a [ding! Product placement!] Honda CRV and a [ding! Product placement!] Verizon "Chocolate" phone. The Honda is in the studio; presumably Ryan watches the rest of the show from the back seat, carefully taking off his clothes.
We are subjected to a recap of the entire season, at least as far as the four finalists go, and we are once again reminded of how crappy an interviewee Dilana is. But we're also reminded that everyone is a contender now. Oh, the drama! Who (Lukas) will possibly (Lukas) win this thing (Lukas)?
On with the singing already.
Toby Rand (sings Radiohead's "Karma Police" and his original "Throw It Away"): I would smack Toby for stealing both Lukas's eyeliner and his mumbling on the first song, except I'm too busy falling asleep. The drowsiness continues through the next song. Even with Magni helping out on guitar, Toby's original isn't as exciting as last week's version, because he doesn't go out in the audience. Finally, he wakes me up with a gimmick by writing "EVS" on the back of Magni's bald head. Magni appreciates the gesture so much that he kneels before him and lets him play his guitar. This looks...strange [edited out: Supernova saying that they weren't sure what Magni was doing at first]. But apparently it didn't harm anyone's opinion too much. Dave thinks the set was great. Tommy says, "Nice job." Gilby thinks Toby got a little lost in the melody (oh, there was one?) in the first song but came back okay. Jason declares that Toby has brought some of the best energy to this show.
Lukas Rossi (sings Coldplay's "Fix You" and his original "Headspin"):
Me: Is that Paula Abdul in the audience?
Mike: I think so...yes, it is.
My local station decides it wants to tell me in the lower half of my TV screen that, with 1% reporting, some guy in Maryland is trouncing another guy in a primary election. For some reason, the sound is slightly thrown off while they keep these results on the screen for the first 30 seconds of Lukas's singing, so his facial contortions don't quite match the singing. This makes me laugh harder. When the results finally go away, I am blinded by his glittering eye shadow and thinking that he should really see a doctor about that twitching all over the stage. Oh...the Coldplay song. A decent rendition, I guess, but I don't know this song and it's not the most exciting thing he could have chosen. Then he decides to perform an acoustic version of "Headspin," which is memorable chiefly because I can finally understand all of the words. I like his intensity, but the voice just doesn't do much for me, and I wish he'd go back to having fun on stage. But you just keep rawring, little leprechaun.
Paula is doing the seal clap for him, which on American Idol would mean that he's in trouble. But here? Not so much. Dave slams Paula's show by pointing out that when she wants to hear great music, she comes to Rock Star, and that this show is so much better because we get to hear everyone's original music. Well, you know, Idol is in the middle of auditions right now, so I'm sure Paula just wants to go someplace where there's music - any music. It doesn't have to be great. Tommy says Lukas is "cool as hell," while Gilby says he's both good and fearless. Jason's comments got edited out. [He said that the acoustic version of "Headspin" was what got Lukas on the show. Further, all the Supernova guys practically fell over themselves worshipping the man, leaving absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind that Lukas will walk away with this thing.]
Dilana (sings the Police's "Roxanne" and her original "Supersoul"): The station again wants to tell me the voting results, and again the sound is thrown off a little. I'm not laughing so much now, because the slower arrangement of this song is quite pretty, and Dilana proves she can sing and not screech all the time. And then the other three munchkins, er, contestants join her on stage to sing backups for about 20 seconds, eliciting much screaming from their respective fans and making everyone applaud wildly when Dilana's done. She then moves on to her original after reassuring everyone that it's not an angry song; it's all about freedom, moving forward, blah, blah, blah. The original comes across a lot better this week, because she decides that a little thing like a torn calf muscle is not going to stop her from stomping all through the audience, high-fiving Paula Abdul, and shouting in Supernova's faces. There's a lot more energy in her now, and I'm thinking that if she goes out first on Wednesday, at least it's on a high note.
Dave tells her she's awesome - especially for having her competitors sing backup on "Roxanne" - and then he declares, "You're back!" Tommy loved it all. Gilby says he enjoys watching her every week. Jason's criticism is that she should have matching outfits for the boys and that Lukas needs to work on his choreography. Heh. [Edited out: Dilana being asked how her calf is after all that running around and her admitting that she "hurt like hell" at the moment.]
Magni (sings Deep Purple's "Hush" and his original "When the Time Comes"): I figured out what one of Magni's problems is. He likes to pick songs that really showcase instrumentation rather than his vocals. I mean, really, you can tell that the House Band loves the songs he chooses, and they definitely shine on them...but they're the ones doing the shining. Magni's voice? Not so much. And his original still isn't very memorable, although he does a lot of shouting and screaming during it, which keeps me more awake than Toby. Supernova looks bored. Maybe Magni should have had Toby come up and write "EVS" all over the stage.
Dave, who is channeling "I-can't-critique-anybody" Paula tonight, says that he did a great job. Tommy says he doesn't remember anything about Magni's original and is roundly booed by the audience, because, really, given what we've heard of Supernova's music, he's not one to talk. [Edited out: Tommy challenging the audience to sing Magni's chorus back to him and being met with silence. Oops.] Jason says that he digs the song, although maybe not as much as the others, and Magni starts getting defensive, so Gilby ends by echoing Dave's "great job" comment.
Brooke tells us that the voting tonight will determine the bottom two, who will "battle it out" on Wednesday before one gets the boot. Then the final three will compete, and Supernova will make their selection.
My ranking for the night:
1. Dilana - Cool arrangement of the cover, and she was the only person to get
out and work the audience.
2. Lukas - I liked the intensity, but the song selection/arrangements were a little muted for a "finale, part 1" performance, and, unlike Dave, I don't think I could sit two hours and listen to his voice.
3. Magni - I like him because he makes the House Band really shine.
4. Toby - zzzzzzzzzz.
Since Dilana has been showing poorly the past couple of weeks, I am fully prepared for my rankings to be completely skewed with the audience's, and Dilana to be number 4. However, when Brooke shows the early results, Dilana is number 1 (!), followed by Toby, Lukas, and Magni. Color me shocked.
Only one more night to go. The suspense is snoozing me.
Wednesday, September 13: Brooke is wearing brown tonight to indicate how dull this show will be. Hoping to liven things up, she asks Dave for some final remarks about the contestants. He predictably thinks that everyone is great and tells Supernova, "Guys, you can't lose." No, but the winner of this contest certainly can.
Dilana is the only person not to be in the bottom two from the voting. Lukas ends up being safe, too. Magni sings Jimi Hendrix's "Fire" again, although really this song is all about the House Band. Toby performs Billy Idol's "White Wedding" while wearing what looks to be the most uncomfortable collar on the planet. I spend his entire song wondering whether or not he's hiding a hickey.
After the break, Gilby tells Magni that he looks like he's more a part of the House Band than actually fronting the band, so he gets axed. Magni accepts the criticism as the compliment it really is, because he'd rather play with the House Band than Supernova, anyway. He probably runs to his corner and breathes a huge sigh of relief.
Dilana and Lukas join Toby on stage, in ascending order of height, which, next to Brooke, makes me think of Goldilocks and the Three Bears - or, in this case, Babs Brunette and the Three Goths. A short video clip is shown of each contestant, and they're invited to say something to Supernova. Lukas says he would be humbled to sing with the band. Dilana doesn't know what humble means. Toby just wants a beer.
The contestants are asked to sing one more time, and they've chosen their "favorite" songs from the season, which have been truncated down to something like a minute and a half. Sheesh. So Lukas sings the Verve's "Bittersweet Cacophony" - errr, "Bittersweet Symphony" - flailing his body around the stage and insisting that "I can't change my moan," as if we didn't know that already. Dilana sings the Cranberries' "Zombie" while swishing her skirts and shaking everyone's hand. Toby hops through the Killers' "Somebody Told Me," and manages to mug for the camera and use signs as props and otherwise get the audience to sing the song for him.
After a commercial break to allow us to catch our breath, Jason tells Toby that his voice has a great range that pierces through guitars and drums and barstools, but he's getting cut anyway. Lukas and Dilana pretend to be shocked. Toby gushes over them as being the most consistent through the competition, great friends, etc., etc., shut up already. Then we have...another commercial break.
When we come back, Tommy praises Lukas and Dilana individually, then says that Supernova made their decision not on the basis of press savvy or songwriting ability or suitability with the band but...on the basis of who actually got the most votes last night. "We have to listen to our fans," he insists. Yeah, like INXS listened to the fans last year when they picked J.D. over the much more popular Marty. But never mind about that. The "winner" is...
I scratch my head and think, "What the what? Are we on American Idol now, where it doesn't matter what you did before, but the person with the most multiple votes by rabid fans in the finale wins?" Dilana is crying, but she's asked to sing with the House Band during Supernova's tour (like she wasn't planning on it already if she didn't make it?), and Gilby offers to help her write and record her next album, while Dave offers to play guitar on it. If she was a normal person, she'd be bawling by now, because...you know, Gilby writing songs? But she accepts the runner-up prize gracefully and tells Lukas to "kick ass."
Superstoned (or whatever they're going to end up calling themselves, now that a judge has ruled they can no longer use the Supernova name), with Lukas as their new lead singer, now insist on torturing me with two tracks Toby and Magni have already performed: "Be Yourself and Five Other Clichés" and "It's All Love." Magnanimous Magni joins in playing guitar on the latter song. As Lukas is forced to rawr the words, "Here's a hey, hey, hey - here's a ho, ho ho," I'm certain he's slowly dying inside. I know I am. Good luck, little leprechaun. When your year-long contract is up, maybe you can go on to record some real music.
Brooke tells us that if we want to audition for next year's show, go to the rockstar.msn.com site to find out how. But I warn all you rockers who are thinking of auditioning: Don't even bother unless you're male, Canadian, tattooed, and can spaz out at appropriate moments on stage. That's two winners in a row with those qualifications. Everyone else can just give up.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled lives.
Review © 2006 by Patricia Lowhorn. For comments, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.
September 4-6 Review | Rock Star Index